anbwrites

Posts Tagged ‘i don’t know where i’m going with this

     “These memories keep haunting me,” she whispered, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees.  “I can go a long time without thinking about it once, but when something triggers me strongly enough, it’s all over.”

     He nodded as he took thoughtful notes on his legal pad.  “Tell me about this trigger you had, Samantha.”

     “There was an old guy, with a beard,” she rubbed her eyes as they began to fill with tears.  “He had on a USMC hat, and a flannel jacket.  It looked just like him, Dr. Schorr.  I could’ve sworn…  Some part of me thought it was him, and I wanted it to be.  I’m always hoping he’ll be there in his chair, drinking coffee, and watching Nascar when I come home, but he’s never there.”

     “Samantha, your dad died a year ago.  He isn’t coming back, and it’s best that you realize this and move forward with the grieving process.”

     She shook her head.  “I can’t!  I can’t grieve him or mourn him; that isn’t what he wanted!  I can’t feel sad, and I’m told that I should just be happy that he was here for 18 years when some people don’t even have a dad for one, but I can’t help it!  It’s like, seriously, I’m sorry that you never had a dad that was around for whatever reason, but I did, and just because you didn’t have one doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to miss mine!”  She stood up and pushed over the coffee table that was between their chairs.  “I’m losing my mind!  I feel like he just died yesterday, that he is still alive today, and that he never even existed all at once!  I have this raw ache in my chest that I can’t fill back up.  I don’t care about the whole God thing and Him supposedly being the only thing that can fill this hole in my chest, because it doesn’t work!

     I don’t want God, I don’t want a fucking psychiatrist and mom up my ass 24/7, and I don’t want people saying ‘I’m sorry,’!  I know you’re fucking sorry, but guess what, sorry doesn’t do anything!  Do you know what I do want, doctor?  I want my dad back.  I want my dad, I want my damn father back, alive, well, happy, healthy, and I want him here to hug me and make us pancakes and bacon on Sunday morning, and I just want him back!  I-I need him, I can’t keep living without my daddy…”

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